Dining on Ashes
by Ster J
Summary: With the assistance of Sarek, Spock Prime deals with his guilt over all the events caused because he did not prevent the destruction of Romulus.


Title: Dining on Ashes

Author: Ster Julie

Contact:

Codes: AOS; Spock Prime, Sarek; angst

Rated: PG

Part: 1/1

Summary: Spock Prime deals with guilt with the assistance of Sarek.

A/N: 1.) The reader might recognize some plot points regarding Amanda's death (in the TOS-verse) from that wonderful work by AC Crispin _Sarek_, as well as Sarek's death the STNG ep "Sarek" written by Peter .

2.) While this story is related to my story "Rejected and Despised," the reader doesn't _really_ need to read that story first. Of course, R&D is a pretty good read, if I do say so myself...

All Vulcan words are taken from that grand resource: the Vulcan Language Dictionary.

Disclaimer: Don't own Star Trek, or much of anything else, for that matter. I'll put everything back when I'm through, honest.

—ooOoo—

Sarek was intrigued by the sizable structure "hiding in plain sight" from the compounds of the other Houses on the new colony. However, Sarek was not there to sightsee. He was there to check on the welfare of that curiously familiar elder.

The artisans who were finishing the construction of the large memorial before the anniversary of the destruction of Vulcan had observed the one who called himself "Elder Selek" enter the building three days prior. He was still inside.

Spock was off-world on the _Enterprise,_ and Sybok was in seclusion with his new wife T'Pring. That left Sarek to investigate. The ambassador knew that this one was somehow related to him due to a resonance in the family link. However, Sarek also detected a dissonance, as if the link was on a similar yet different wave-length. He was eager to determine just who this elder was and to which House he really belonged.

Sarek found the Elder prone beneath the arching crysatl hanging over the reflecting pool. The design of the stone was such that moisture condensing on its concave surface dripped down into the pool like tears.

Sarek couldn't tell if the Elder was asleep, meditating or comatose. What Sarek _could_ see was that this person was dehydrated. He had obviously not had anything to drink recently, regardless of the pool of clear water next to him. Sarek dipped his handkerchief into the pool and held it to the elder's lips. The man latched on and suckled the cloth eagerly, like an infant.

The Elder tried to open his eyes, but they were crusted shut with the salty deposit of dried tears. He struggled to his knees and washed his face with water he scooped from the pool.

"Elder?" Sarek asked. "Are you well? Shall I call for help?"

The Elder shook his head. "No one can help me," he moaned. "I must atone for what I caused."

"I do not understand," Sarek said in a flat voice.

The Elder gestured all around him in reply, as if the structure explained everything.

Sarek looked around without comprehending.

"The artisans have done a fine job," the elder continued. "Thousands of points of light stand for all those souls lost … all those souls."

The Elder sank to his haunches, his hands tearing at his hair. "Vulcan destroyed," he sobbed, "the fleet decimated, Romulus lost, all because I was too slow, too slow."

Sarek knew, then, who this Elder must be.

"Are you my son," he asked hesitantly, "from the future?"

The Elder shook his head. "I am Spock," he moaned, "but I am not your son, just as you are not my Sarek."

Sarek looked more closely at the Elder. There, in his dark visage, he could see his beloved Amanda's dark eyes.

Sarek's mind processed all that this Spock had said, as well as what remained unsaid.

"What is this place?" Sarek asked, changing the subject.

This is a gift from the House of Spock," the Elder answered. "It is a _ni var_ of textures, shapes and colors, all made from native materials. It is a memorial to all who were lost."

"It resembles a giant _Katric _Ark_,_" Sarek observed.

Spock looked about bitterly. "Yes," he grated, "and the thousands of lights refracting from the broken crystals stand in accusation of me."

Sarek turned sharply toward the older version of his son.

"This constant 'dining on ashes' is illogical," the ambassador scolded. "No amount of atonement will bring back our dead, nor will it bring back Vulcan. This behavior is self-destructive and serves no purpose."

Spock scowled at the reprimand.

"I see that you are more like my Sarek after all," he observed.

Sarek paused and considered the waves of pain he felt emanating from Spock.

"Tell me about your Sarek," he coaxed gently.

Spock sighed heavily.

"There was much animosity between my father and me," he began. "When I left Vulcan for Starfleet Academy, he declared me _vrekasht_. We didn't speak to each other for eighteen years."

Sarek was taken aback. Spock was declared outcast? Eighteen years of silence? Sarek couldn't imagine himself capable of doing either of those things.

"What changed?" he asked.

"My ship was transporting delegates to an interplanetary conference," Spock related. "While he was aboard the _Enterprise,_ my Sarek had a heart attack. Doctor McCoy was able to repair his faulty heart valve, and I provided the blood needed for the surgery."

"And this animosity between you ended?" Sarek prompted.

"For a while," Spock replied. "Then mother contracted a long and wasting illness. My Sarek was called away on a diplomatic emergency. He left her in her final days. He left her alone with me when she needed him, when _I_ needed him. At the end, Mother didn't recognize me. She called and called for my father, and I couldn't bring her any solace."

The two men grieved Amanda anew.

"Did he ever remarry?" Sarek asked after a time.

Spock rolled his eyes and said, "Perrin. I did not 'get along' with her, either. Near the end of his life, my father suffered from Bendaii Syndrome. I took my leave of him before he died. I had been working for seventy-five years toward the reunification with the Romulans. I had to be smuggled into their territory, and that meant leaving my father before he died." Spock paused to wipe his eyes. "With his Bendaii he couldn't understand why I had to leave. He called my name over and over as I left him—left him as he once left Mother." Spock looked up at this younger version of Sarek. "I did not intend to retaliate against him or Perrin. I knew then the pain he felt when he left Mother. Duty called."

Sarek nodded slowly. "Yes," he said, "I know that the needs of the many often affect the few—or the one—the most."

Spock looked at Sarek with gentle eyes. "That is one way in which you differ from my Sarek," he commented. "You seem so much more … compassionate. I wonder where the divergence occurred. Could the destruction of the _Kelvin_ have made that much of a difference?"

"After the _Narada_ experience," Sarek explained, "there was an upheaval in the galaxy. No one had ever seen a Romulan before. Those who saw Nero and his crew assumed they were Vulcan. Off-world Vulcans experienced so much intolerance that we became more insular, isolated. My Spock was bullied for being human—daily. It got to the point where I had to move my family. I volunteered to work at the Vulcan embassy on Earth. Spock thrived there, finally being accepted as Vulcan. He completed his studies via subspace. We returned to Vulcan so that he could take the entrance exams for the Vulcan Science Academy. Had the Dean not insulted Spock's mother at the acceptance ceremony, he might never have gone to Starfleet Academy."

"Insulted?" Spock remarked.

"The Dean inferred that Spock's human genes must have been a great disadvantage to him," Sarek recalled.

Spock was curious. "What was your reaction?"

"Outwardly, I had to support the council," Sarek admitted, "but deep down I was proud of my son for standing his ground before the Dean. How dare he insult my beloved _aduna_!"

Spock was certain of one thing. This Sarek loved his Amanda as much as Spock's father loved his mother.

"If only I could go back and put everything to right," Spock mused aloud.

"No more time travel!" Sarek ordered. "No more living in the past. _Kaiidth._ We accept what has happened and we move on."

Spock nodded. "You are wise," he admitted. "Each time I have traveled into the past, some other event was changed."

Sarek was taken aback. "Just how many times have you time traveled?" he asked.

"Three times by accident," Spock replied, "and four by design."

Sarek's mouth dropped open.

"Seven times you travelled into the past?" he gasped. "For what purpose?"

Spock shrugged. "For various reasons."

"And what 'other things' happened?" Sarek demanded.

"Once, I traveled into Vulcan's past to save myself from being killed in the mountains at the age of seven," Spock explained. "I saved my young self, but Ee'Chaya was killed by a _lematya _then instead of dying many years later." He paused, then added in a quiet voice, "I went by the name 'Selek' then, a very distant cousin."

"Then you will be known as Selek again," Sarek declared. "You may join my House."

Spock shook his head. "That is very kind," he said, "but I promised Spock that I would help run his House while he was off-world."

Sarek looked at this older Spock for a long moment, searching the Elder's face for some semblance of his son. What put such deep lines in his face? Could there possibly be some memories of the Elder's relationship with his Sarek that weren't so wracked with pain?

"I would know thee better," Sarek invited, raising his hand in the _ta'al._

Spock gasped. "My father and I never chose to meld," he admitted in a gravelly voice.

"Then it is time to choose otherwise," Sarek replied.

Spock's hand gingerly touched Sarek's outstretched one.

Both men were sucked into a maelstrom of dissonant images, a cacophony of voices. Yet soon enough, not-quite-father and not-exactly-son were able to sort out the sights and sounds of the other.

Sarek was amazed to discover that this Spock had actually _died_ and then successfully passed through the _fal-tor-pann._ He had loved and lost so many before he finally had a long and satisfying marriage to Saavik, she who—in this reality—was still a wild child.

Spock sifted through the memories and images that centered on Sarek's family. He marveled at seeing himself as an infant in his father's arms, at the tenderness this Sarek showed his Amanda, of the depth of this one's passion for his _aduna._

"_You father wasn't 'stern' with you, Spock-kam,"_ Sarek observed in the link. _"He loved you. He declared his love before T'Lar, before all of Vulcan, that he cherished you."_

"_When?"_ Spock asked.

"_When he asked for_ fal-tor-pann," Sarek explained. He caressed Spock's head. _"You are in such pain," _he observed. _"Let me be father to the wounded child within you, Spock."_

Sarek gently withdrew from the meld when he felt the elder collapse against him. He held Spock as he wept great gulping sobs. Sarek mourned with him what was and what would now never come to pass.

Sarek was uncertain just how much time had elapsed since he found the Elder unconscious by the monument's reflecting pool. The sun had been high overhead when Sarek had received word, and now the lightening sky told him that he had been here with Spock the entire night.

Spock slept fitfully against Sarek's chest. The ambassador gently held this older version of this son as he watched the light of approaching dawn play on the rough-hewn crystal surface of the monument.

Suddenly a single shaft of sunlight broke through, causing the entire structure to glitter and glow.

_"Ko-fu,"_ Sarek ordered. "Wake up. Look!"

Spock squinted at the golden light which coalesced into a glowing ball. As the sun continued its climb, the light seemed to swirl, to dissipate into thousands of points of light which danced over their skin.

Spock was soothed in his soul at the sight. He felt the pass of a ghostly hand on his cheek, delicate as a benediction, as the light passed.

The magic was broken by the sound of an air flitter approaching.

Sybok came rushing in, concerned that Sarek and the Elder might be in distress.

"We are well, _ko-fu,_" Sarek assured his firstborn.

Sybok stopped and took the time to look around briefly. "What is this place?" he asked

"It is a tomb and a womb," Spock replied cryptically. "The artisans will reveal it at the memorial."

Sybok shrugged then packed everyone off toward the exit. Spock looked back as drops of water fell from the convex crystal into the catch basin. He had filled that pool with his tears. He had atoned and was purged of his guilt. He was done with the tomb. Spock would now allow the structure to weep in his stead as he walked out into a new life.

It was time to cease dining on ashes. It was time to build a new life, a new civilization.

Spock was hungry for it to begin.

END


End file.
